A numb, gripping, paralyzing fear would accurately describe what I have been feeling lately. My daughter is going through some medical issues that give us no explanation, and we are coming to the realization it’s not going to just go away. I will never forget the suffocation I felt, the way my throat tightened, when the doctor said it was “idiopathic.” I despise that word, because I’m a fixer, and being a fixer is part of who I am. When the doctor said it was idiopathic, I realized they have no idea why this is happening, and it’s not going to just go away.
Lately, my day consists of trying to hurry and and get through the day, and then I come home to my cave. I just want to remain in my cave, away from the world, and speak to no one. I just feel helpless and paralyzed because I realize I can’t fix this for her. The other day, I started crying, and I told my husband that I don’t even hear God speaking to me anymore. Later that evening, a scripture just came to me from James 4:8, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Then, it hit me. Not only have I not been talking to people around me, but I haven’t even been talking to God. It’s common sense that conversation requires at least two people, and I haven’t been present for conversation.
One of my favorite Bible verses is Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” I always loved Joshua’s faithfulness and his spunk. Even when the obstacles seemed so overwhelming, Joshua remained faithful and clung to God’s word.
Even when it’s downright hard, and we just don’t feel the joy in our hearts we used to feel, we don’t need to beat ourselves down with shame and feel like less of a Christian, which is how I had been feeling. We just need to remain faithful. We must cling to God’s word. It’s unfailing, unchanging, and it’s our hope and our anchor. Whatever you are going through, there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. Right now, I may feel like I am in the middle of a long, dark, scary tunnel, but there is a light at the end, and with God by my side, I am pushing toward it!